One, two, skip a few... 267, 229

So, its been a while since my last entry - for good reason.
The next morning, I woke up with a rash of hives all over my legs and stomach. Went to the doctor, they said take Benadryl. Ended up with no improvement, which was surprising. BUT, about midnight that night, I realized that in my haste, I had taken the whole tablets. Which would have passed through to quickly with this new sleeve. So, I cracked a couple open and went to bed.

Woke up, worse. Went to my real doctor. He gave another antihistamine and steroids. Took them, saw improvement! Went to bed, by the next evening, I was not only covered in hives again but they were super deep and extremely painful! Went to the ER. Got MORE steroids and an epi shot, hives receded.. went home.

Went to my surgery doc for a follow up appointment... I was worried that it was something with surgery. But, he said it was likely not - probably just medical and to keep following up with my doctor. On the way home, I noticed my lip was a little swollen. By that night, I looked a little on the Angelina side of lips. The next morning, Mama Elsa! And within an hour, the kid from Mask.

Back to the hospital, where they freaked out appropriately and admitted me. I stayed a night, they sent me home. My parents came, things were looking good. And then Sunday, BAM: covered head to toe in welts again. Back to the hospital, admitted for a few days. In a dungeon, I'm pretty sure.
They let me out in time to see an allergist, who basically said: we'll never know.

So, since my last post... I have managed to get to 229, even though I was in and out of the hospital and have been hopped up on steroids for the better part of 2 weeks.

Foods have stayed pretty much the same... just varying stages of soft stuff with a few extra, extra chewed things thrown in for good measure. Last weekend I was feeling really brave, and REALLY hungry and I thought I would die if I didn't have beef of some kind. We went to Applebee's, where I had Shaun cut me a bite of his steak and then cut it six more times. I took the tiniest bites, chewed like crazy and it was delicious. That, plus a 3 bites of soup and 2 green beans. It felt like a gourmet meal.

I went back to work on Monday - that was fun. Truly. Actually fun. It was amazing to hear all the positivity. I tried really hard to plan meals and all was well except that I was super tired when I came home.

Tuesday, I totally crashed. I don't know why, but the same foods I ate happily on Monday made me sick with disgust on Tuesday. I had half an egg when I left the house, half a yogurt later... the other half an egg a little later and then at lunch I tried to eat some cottage cheese. I just felt so ... low, so weak, so queasy. I thought I needed sugar or something so I bought some crackers... they went down way too quickly and then, yep. Sick.

I SO did not want to be a puker at work.. so I hid in the upstairs bathroom waiting for the moment to come. It never did, so I decided to head home.

Today was much better. I think that even with this surgery, I'm still going to be a person who needs a little bit of carb in the morning. I guess  we will see how tomorrow goes.

On the weight note, I couldn't be more pleased to see that number. 250 was my first big goal, this was my second. Its the weight I was when we were in Sequim, a time that changed my life and I feel like now that I'm there again I can move past the shit that happened starting there. Like, a reset. 

The Land of Self Sabotage

Yeah. Self sabotage appears to be my MO.
The week had been going so well...The day after I ate actual food, I ended up losing only half a pound. I was really disappointed in myself, but I tried to be as good as possible. Using only the 3tbs rule and drinking as much liquid as I could intake. The next day, I recouped my setback and ended up losing 2 lbs. Weighing in at 241.
Yesterday we were at lunch, I ate too fast. It was just mashed potatoes but it was just so good. Immediately, I felt flushed, felt the little crush around my sternum. A little bit of nausea and a lot of sweating... eventually it passed.

Last night, we had company - mom bought some candy corn to set out on the table for our guests and planned spaghetti. When everyone left and I was alone... I stuffed down 4 candy corn and 3 chick n biskit crackers. Again, the flushed nausea... and a huge feeling of guilt. The same old guilt that I've been living with for so many years : Why did I do that? Why couldn't I stop? It wasn't even good. God, I suck. I seriously suck at this. Now, I'm never going to make it, I'm going to end up going back to the doctor and he's going to say "are you retarded or something?".

It went on and on. I told on myself to Shaun, all he said was "you can't be doing that honey. You can do this". God, I love him.

Dinner ended up being 3 spaghetti noodles ninja'd up with noodles - about 1/8 of a cup. And also one very small bite of just the pumpkin part of a pumpkin pie. Not too bad, but it was  difficult to not eat more. It was delicious, I didn't feel full and everyone else was still eating. I really wanted more.

So, today rolls around. Had about a tablespoon of scrambled egg for breakfast, lots of sf juice and water. Day was going well.. until the kids cooked a pizza for lunch/dinner. The stupid thing is that I hate sausage on pizza and I don't like any Papa Murphy's pizza I've ever had. But, there it sat. And I thought, well... I've been eating all of these soft foods... if I just chew and chew and chew, it will be like if I ninja'd it. Well, that was stupid. It didn't ever get small enough, I took bites that were too big and I'm pretty sure I ended up eating more than 3 tablespoons. And that wasn't enough, a few hours later, I did it again.

I was endlessly uncomfortable. My heart was beating out of my chest, I was sweating, my stomach hurt... I tried to make myself throw up, but it didn't work.

Now, here I am. Back at the door of guilt. Why can I not stop self sabotaging? I do NOT want to stretch this pouch and make a leak. I do NOT want to gain weight less than 2 weeks after a weight loss surgery. I do NOT want to fail.

But, I cannot stop. I don't know what to do.

So, I've been perusing the blogs, looking for inspiration. It sounds like planning and commitment really do the trick. Planning I can do, commitment... well... I'm working on it.  So, tomorrow will be a planned to the gills day. I will plan each meal, each drink, 2 walks. There will be protein at each meal, I will not drink during the meal. I will watch for my full sensor and I will try to give myself the positivity that I give to other people.

Somewhere in me, there has to be a piece that can be stronger than the pull of pizza and sweets. I cannot let another day pass in this ridiculously vicious circle. Tomorrow is a new day.

Poop and Burning Belly Button

I'm 6 days away from surgery, and I have lost 14 lbs. Currently, 143.
I wasn't really feeling that well yesterday, so I didn't post. I noticed the night before that I hadn't pooped yet, and it had been more than 3 days so of course I started to obsess about it. I thought, if nothing by morning, I'll take something.
So, nothing by morning. Ducolax to the rescue. The rest of the morning, I felt ill. But, when it finally hit, I felt SO much better. Who knew?
Yesterday was my birthday, so the whole day was a treat. My folks cleaned my house, little gifts and flowers showed up throughout the day, a friend stopped by to say hello. The shining point of the day was my "gourmet dinner". My mom bought baby food, added a little seasoning to it and served it all fancy, in one ounce cups. All stage 2, very liquidy... but somehow, delicious. It was my first "food" since surgery. Up to this point, I had only diluted juice, water, very little broth and several one ounce cups of sf jello.

On the menu:
Garlic beef with potatoes
Cinnamon spiced fall squash
Plum pudding for dessert

LOL. Love my mom.

Last night I noticed that the incision closest to my belly button was really giving me trouble. I figured I was just tired, but today it is really, really sore. To the point that I started looking up stuff online and called my doctor. It just hurts so much every time I bend, stand, walk... whatever. I feel like I need to keep a hand on it to support it. There doesn't appear to be an infection, but maybe something is wrong on the inside?

In any case, breakfast today is a one ounce cup of "plum pudding", which is just baby food plums. That will promptly be followed by pain medicine, allergy pill and some dang Welbutrin because if I forget to take that I start to feel weepy and overwhelmed!

Update later. :P

Day 5, Goal ONE Met!

I started the liquid diet at 267
I went in for surgery at 257
4 days after surgery at 250
5th day, 246.8

Today, 5 days after surgery, I have met my first goal of being under 250 lbs!
My meals have been less mealtimes and more just sipping of liquids throughout the day. Yesterday, I did 5 runs of 10 oz, and a few in there were broth and diluted white grape juice. Also, a popsicle or two for good measure. I am not hungry and really have to work at continuing to drink because I'm also not thirsty.

The pain is bearable, I am going 6 or 8 hours between Vicodin doses. I was supposed to have oxycodone for pain management and Vicodin for breakthrough pain, but I'm allergic to oxy - aka Percocet. So with that consideration, I guess I'm handling the pain pretty well.

The incisions are all good - except one that is a little more painful than the others. Its the one right where the waist band of my pants hit, it is the most sore when I stand up. I'm going to be glad when I can take the clear steri strip covers off and clean up the wounds a little because they look crusty.

Decided to go to Costco yesterday - felt pretty good on the way there but started to feel a little woozy about half way through... I don't know if it was the level of activity or that I took all of my pills in one big gulp that made me so sick to my stomach. But, I'll tell you, I wont be doing that again! Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Today my goal is to drink 100% of the water goal, get in several walks and actually intake some protein. I have lost over 10 lbs since surgery, I have black circles under my eyes and I look very tired. Sleep is not the easiest, because it hurts to turn over. I think I can actually feel my organs moving about, settling in with their new space. Its very strange.

Well, who knows if anyone reads this. But, either way, I'm going to try and keep a little bit of a record of how Im feeling and where I am with the progress for anyone who may be following along.

Bye for now!

Where the heck is the toilet!?

Well, I actually did it. I DID IT.

Finished all of the pre-reqs, finished the 2 week liquid diet.. It was more like a 2 or 3 ay liquid, followed by a cheat and then back at it.. but still.

The days before surgery went so quickly, that I didn't have much time to worry or dwell on any single thought. I did feel like the world was spiraling out of control. I went crazy cleaning, trying to get everything organized for when my mom and sister got here. I don't know why, I guess it was just nerves.

Thursday morning came, my check in was 5 am with surgery at 7. The 2 hours between went so quickly, I hardly had time to breath! My mom and sister had just into the room when it was time to go.  A quick goodbye and away I was wheeled.

At that point, you would think I was be the most nervous about this huge procedure I would be having, all the things that could happen... but all I could think about was peeing. Yes, peeing. I went before they wheeled me to pre-op, I went at pre-op and then when they came to take me to the Doctor, I made them stop and let me pee again!!

They wake me up from surgery, the first thing I asked? You know it. They made me use a bedpan, it was the worst. I kept asking  'Please, I can see the  bathroom right there, can you please let me walk over there?" No one would let me, they insisted that I must wait until I got into my private room. So I said, "well lets go then!"

They wheel me out of recovery to my real room, saw my family on the way. The were so excited to see me, saying hello so sweetly, tender little touches on my arm..." I said, can't talk, got to pee" When I finally got to my room, I was never so happy to see a toilet.

Why was I so concerned?  I guess I pee when I'm nervous, I'm like a puppy or something.

Anyway, surgery was fine - about as painful as I expected it would be. I have 6 little incisions spread out across my tummy. One at the top of my stomach, one right above my belly button, one to each side of that and then one below each of those...They are itchy, but not too sore. The soreness is coming from the inside, whenever I stand up. At that point I feel like I've done sit ups for days and maybe pulled a muscle. Once I get moving, I feel ok.

As far as eating goes, in the hospital they gave me only water in little one ounce cups , a popsicle and one "run" (10 little one ounce cups on a tray) of diluted apple juice. Got home, my mom has kept the runs coming and has also brought a few little cups of jello too. They keep making sure I go for walks and take all of my medicines on time. Things are going better than I thought they would. Here is where I am so far:

I started the liquid diet at 267
I went in for surgery at 257
Today, 4 days after surgery at 250

Progress, people! Progress!