Off my Game

I should start off by saying that I'm not looking for guests at my pity party, everyone is allowed to feel down from time to time. no one reads this little jewel anyway, haha. So, I'm basically just journaling.

So, I'm in a bit of a slump. I'm not exactly sure what my issue is, just that I have one. Maybe I'm hitting mid-life crisis early? Hope not, because that means I wont even make it to 80.

In any case, Im sitting at home today, alone... feeling like I have too many things to do, too many bills to pay, not enough energy to go anywhere and not enough money to make dent. I feel like I have don't absolutely nothing with my life and I have wasted my time.

I have mismanaged my future, and made mistake after mistake in my past. I am unsatisfactory in every way. A crappy wife, a lazy mom... I'm not a good daughter and I don't support my sisters and friends in the ways I should.

So, while I am venting and feeling sorry for myself:

I wish I had a relationship with my sisters like my friends do. One of them goes to the beach with her sister and their kids each summer. They drink wine, eat good food and let their kids play while they visit and relax. I've never known that kind of relationship, but I long for it.

I also long for a  best friend. I have good friends, but I don't have a best friend. When I was a kid, I thought I had best friends... but in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I was just another friend to most of them, not THE friend. I've always wanted someone in my life who knew my heart. Someone who could know all of my secrets, laugh and cry with me, sing loudly in the car with me or just have random thoughtful conversations with no judgment. Or, tell me if I've done something really stupid, but wont hold it against me. I've never had that as an adult. I almost did, but then that bitch screwed me. 

I want to be hot. Yep, hot - not like, oh, I'm so sweaty but as in "Damn, girl, you look good". I am so worried about the potential surgery but I cannot WAIT for someone to say I look good again.

I want to be smart. What in the hell happened to me? I've been watching game shows with Kayla and I am surprised when I know all of the answers. I used to be so smart, so engaged. I remember having long discussions, fun debates, actual opinions on more going on in the world than only what is on TMZ. I really need to go back to school before I lose all of my mind.

I want a pretty house. I really want to paint, but I cannot seem to find the energy OR pick a freaking color. It sucks to be so indecisive. I wish someone would just come in, organize all my stuff, clean my carpets and paint my dang walls. Genie, grant me this wish!

I want my yard to be pretty. I freaking hate cinderblocks. And I also cannot grow an damn thing, so all of our green things are now brown. I want a place to sit outside where I can sip lemonaide and pretend to be on a big porch watching the world pass by. I yard where my dogs are free to run circles around the edges but where I can also walk without flipping my ankle on a grass/weed/dirt clod or poop.

I want to be active. I really wish I had the kind of heart that loved action and adventure. But, I don't. Im not asking to be a mountaineer or marathon runner. I just want to be good enough so that if I wanted to walk around a new place in the world, I could do so without feeling winded.   I want to go on walks around parks or the neighborhood, go on trails to see pretty waterfalls, walk around the lake while we are camping... ride bikes with my kiddos. Play fetch at the dog park with my boy Alvin.

I want good hair and a sense of style. I have neither and I also have no aptitude for learning. I need someone to say "here, wear this" and someone to say "tada! Your hair is gorgeous!".

Ok, well, now this is really starting to be a big list. But thinking about how cool life could be is actually starting to help me get out of my little slump.

That's what a little writing it all out will do for me, huh. Guess I forgot about that part of journaling.
Alright, Im out. Have a good night, world.