The Land of Self Sabotage

Yeah. Self sabotage appears to be my MO.
The week had been going so well...The day after I ate actual food, I ended up losing only half a pound. I was really disappointed in myself, but I tried to be as good as possible. Using only the 3tbs rule and drinking as much liquid as I could intake. The next day, I recouped my setback and ended up losing 2 lbs. Weighing in at 241.
Yesterday we were at lunch, I ate too fast. It was just mashed potatoes but it was just so good. Immediately, I felt flushed, felt the little crush around my sternum. A little bit of nausea and a lot of sweating... eventually it passed.

Last night, we had company - mom bought some candy corn to set out on the table for our guests and planned spaghetti. When everyone left and I was alone... I stuffed down 4 candy corn and 3 chick n biskit crackers. Again, the flushed nausea... and a huge feeling of guilt. The same old guilt that I've been living with for so many years : Why did I do that? Why couldn't I stop? It wasn't even good. God, I suck. I seriously suck at this. Now, I'm never going to make it, I'm going to end up going back to the doctor and he's going to say "are you retarded or something?".

It went on and on. I told on myself to Shaun, all he said was "you can't be doing that honey. You can do this". God, I love him.

Dinner ended up being 3 spaghetti noodles ninja'd up with noodles - about 1/8 of a cup. And also one very small bite of just the pumpkin part of a pumpkin pie. Not too bad, but it was  difficult to not eat more. It was delicious, I didn't feel full and everyone else was still eating. I really wanted more.

So, today rolls around. Had about a tablespoon of scrambled egg for breakfast, lots of sf juice and water. Day was going well.. until the kids cooked a pizza for lunch/dinner. The stupid thing is that I hate sausage on pizza and I don't like any Papa Murphy's pizza I've ever had. But, there it sat. And I thought, well... I've been eating all of these soft foods... if I just chew and chew and chew, it will be like if I ninja'd it. Well, that was stupid. It didn't ever get small enough, I took bites that were too big and I'm pretty sure I ended up eating more than 3 tablespoons. And that wasn't enough, a few hours later, I did it again.

I was endlessly uncomfortable. My heart was beating out of my chest, I was sweating, my stomach hurt... I tried to make myself throw up, but it didn't work.

Now, here I am. Back at the door of guilt. Why can I not stop self sabotaging? I do NOT want to stretch this pouch and make a leak. I do NOT want to gain weight less than 2 weeks after a weight loss surgery. I do NOT want to fail.

But, I cannot stop. I don't know what to do.

So, I've been perusing the blogs, looking for inspiration. It sounds like planning and commitment really do the trick. Planning I can do, commitment... well... I'm working on it.  So, tomorrow will be a planned to the gills day. I will plan each meal, each drink, 2 walks. There will be protein at each meal, I will not drink during the meal. I will watch for my full sensor and I will try to give myself the positivity that I give to other people.

Somewhere in me, there has to be a piece that can be stronger than the pull of pizza and sweets. I cannot let another day pass in this ridiculously vicious circle. Tomorrow is a new day.