A Twinkie In My Pocket

Today I was reading an article online about how Lady Gaga was going to do a show on MTV about her highschool life. Apparently, she'll be sharing a story about being thrown in the garbage can by a cute boy and laughed at by mean girls in the hallway. I thought, yeah, right... sounds a little like an after school special.

Suddenly, I had an flash of a memory, one of the last days of my 6th grade year. Random, right?:

I was wearing my super awesome purple flower bermuda shorts and tank top. Rocking my almost-mullet do and coke bottle glasses. I really, really wanted to be cool. That was the year that I tried everything to be accepted in the "in" crowd. It never did work for me, I was never meant to be a cool kid.

Anyway, Mr Irwin had bought Soda Shop Poppe and turned his hearing aides down- so we were having a class party. People were laughing, talking, spraying water from hidden squirt guns in the hall way... general last day of school schenanigans. I was in the hall, standing by my locker. I said "Look, I can fit in here!".

If you knew any 12 year old boys who picked on dorks you may know what happened next.

A classmate, who I wont name (at least in this blog), closed my locker door and put a pencil thru the lock hole. Asshole.

At first, I thought "finally! I'm part of the joke!" the whole thing was funny, everyone was laughing. After a few moments, I realized that the other kids had gone back into the classroom and the joke was me.

That was when I got angry. I started banging on the walls and yelling. I was mad, because I was embarrassed. When I'm mad, I cry. So, I'm in my locker, crying and banging on the door. Finally, someone pulled the pencil and I got out. My retort? A scathing, tear filled "Very funny". The boy did apologize, I said "Its ok" and shrugged like it was nothing. I took the easy exit out of the situation and asked to go to the bathroom.

Right at that moment, I remembered that I had a twinkie in my back pocket. Why? I have no damn idea. My mom didnt buy stuff like that, I'm thinking it was probably a treat for end of school. I reached into my pocket, found my twinkie was smashed flat as a pancake- ruined.

I went in to the bathroom, checked myself out in the mirror. Made sure my twinkie didnt squish all over my shorts... went into the last stall and ripped the package open. I ate that twinkie in about 2 bites and wished I had more. I probably would have eaten the whole package.

It was my first real moment of... wow, this is hard to say... self loathing. It was my first moment of eating something bad for me to feel better, to soothe the pain of social humiliation. It was the beginning of a life long struggle with self esteem and food.

I wiped my face of twinkie crumbs, checked myself in the mirror, smiled and went back to the classroom. It was the beginning of a lifetime of "No, no, I'm fine... see how I happy I am? See my smile?"

Do you know, I had forgotten all about this until today? Its wierd that I buried it, but now that Im thinking about it, its a painful memory. Ive thought about it all evening and Ive come to a conclusion.

Yes, that guy embarrassed me. Yes, I have a problem with food. Yes, I will continue to struggle with it for the rest of my life.

BUT, that day also helped build me to who I am now. I am a person who isnt afraid to take the hard road, who cheers for the under dog, who befriends the new kid, who help someone in need- regardless of how cool they are.

Thats who I am. Thanks 6th grade bully... you helped make me awesome.

Sweet? Irresistible? Do you know me or what?!

Thanks to my twitter friend Sarah (Inside A Chaotic Mind), who suprised me with "The Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award", I have a good reason to post!

As a recipient of this very yummy looking award, I must list my five guilty pleasures and then pass the award onto three blog friends who are as irresistible and sweet as me. I'm not well established in the blog-o-sphere... but I'll give it my best shot!

Ok, so guilty pleasures. I'm pretty self indulgent, so this could change at anytime... but todays guilty pleasures are:

1. Popcorn- Yeah, everyone else has listed really inspiring stuff about music and writing and such... but is it a shame to be inspired by popcorn? hah. I love the stuff, could eat it every day of my life... the best way is just air popped with real butter melted on top and an extra shake of salt. And, what can I say... I'm hungry right now.

2. Reading- I read everything and once I start, I cant stop. I will read everything from the back of the lysol can to the smutty romance novel someone left in the cafe... anything I can get my hands on. I'm a fan of murder mystery type stuff, though I cant keep authors straight and have a memory the length of a who-ville ruler. I have a couple of favorites though. The first book I remember LOVING is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I re-read it about once a year. My favorite series is, hands down, The Vampire Chronicles, by Anne Rice. Currently reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and its starting to get good.

3. Back Home- I wish that going back home was more of just a pleasure than an indulgence. I love going, would spend all my time there if I could, but I love my life here too. I miss my family and friends back home. I miss the weight in the air on a summer night, the stars and northern lights, the smell of my mom cooking up a masterpiece on Sunday morning, my dad singing in the car and the laughter of my sisters around the table. I miss the colors of the trees in the fall, the ice on the puddles in the mornings, the river, the bumpy road behind the house. I miss it all. Every bit. I feel guilty every trip though... guilty leaving here because I feel like I'm somehow not fulfilling the obligations to my household life and guilty leaving there because I feel like like I dont fulfill obligations to my parents and sisters. Cant make everyone happy though, can we? I guess thats why I live in the "Land of Jen".

4. Facebook- I have to say, this one maybe a step beyond guilty pleasure and is bordering addiction, haha. But, the good thing is, that it helps me feel connected to the people I love. I may not get to see bump into them at the gas station or go to coffee on Tuesdays or anything else. But, I get to peek in on random bits of their lives and I cherish every piece.

5. Waking up late on a Saturday- I'm a full time mom (is there any other kind) who also works outside the home. I get up each morning in time to wave goodbye to Kayla as she heads out the door, make sure the boys are up and with it and then I head off to work. We get home, a quick "how was your day?" followed by chores, dinner.... bedtime. Sundays I get up before everyone else and go to church, so a Saturday morning sleep-in is a special treat. Its especially lovely on the days when I wake up to sun shining through my bedroom curtains, the smell of coffee my hubby has picked up on his way home from the store and the sound of my kids laughing and playing together. These are the times when life really is Good In The Land of Jen.

So, now I have to figure out how to post on 3 friends blogs! I think I'll go with my good friend (who I dont see often enough) Terri from Plump, Pedal Pushers of Puyallup, my friend and aunt-in-law Tina at create.dream.laugh and dearly loved sister-in-low Maria at De-lish. Ladies, its your turn!

Thanks again Kitten, I needed to boost! :)

A Week Ago/ Rockstar

A week ago, I was in Kellogg.

And right about now I was getting to my Sarahs house, slightly nervous to see my old friends. I had just stopped at the Gondolier to use the bathroom and buy a drink- brushed my hair, touched up my mascara... just in case everyone was standing outside when I got there.

I pull up, sit for just a moment. Deep breath... ok, I'm going in. My internal monologue (aka IM) was in OT:

"Ohmygosh, I cant do this. Yes you can. Oh man, what if its wierd? It wont be. What if I look silly or say something ridiculous? You dont, and of course you will. hahaha" (Its ok, I can laugh at myself)

So, here I am- worried. But I get to the gate and here comes Alex. My long lost albino snow monkey best gay guy friend from high school. Yay! A hello, a big hug and all previous thoughts are out the window. We go in and everything is JUST like it used to be. Just relaxed and happy. (IM- see, told you it would be fine. Shush).

We hang out for a bit. I cant help myself and tell the most ridiculous of jokes (hee hee) and then we take off for up town. We took the short cut and went right up to Dirty Ernies. Right off the bat, we had to hit the bar. What?! A double vodka cran just makes these socail events easier! (IM- alki. You shush- I dont do this often.)

So some people, did some visiting... Sarah had to leave... Alex and I stayed and talked. And talked, and talked and talked. I cannot remember the last time I talked with someone like that. And you know what was awesome? No judgement. I told him my deepest darkest secrets, and he didnt bat an eye. All week long, Ive been remember this and that thinking "Oh god, did I REALLY say that outloud?!" Turns out, I did.

If I had shared all that with someone I know and see all the time, I'd be so worried. By now, I would have spent many hours going over my conversations thinking "Do I need to call them and apologize for my honesty? Did I say too much and embarrass myself?" But, with old friends (even ones I dont see often), I feel like I dont have to worry. They have seen me in a marching band uniform for Petes sake. How much worse could it be?

Last weekend was so great. This weekend has been busy so far. Babysat little BBQ last night, lots of baby cuddles to make my heart melt. Today was Jam Fest, at work, so I mostly visited my afternooon away and got to listen to some good music. Tomorrow, lunch with friends. And then, the CHAOS BEGINS.

Hailee is coming over for Lady Gaga... my inlaws (including Chips Gramma) are coming over the same weekend for a game and Ikes birthday... Seattle sight seeing... back to Kellogg for wedding stuff... a trip to Lewiston to see more family... back to Kellogg for more wedding stuff.. wedding.. party... back home. Work, work, work... labor day weekend... get ready for school... school...Brad Paisley... and then? Breathe!

My new addiction is the blue can of zero carb Rockstar. Sound like I'm gonna need to mainline it in the near future.

Goodnight!

I have a dream (board)

So, on my long-quick trip back home last weekend, I spent quite a bit of time either rocking my "right now" ipod mix or listening to Cosmo Radio on Sirius. Im quite fond of "Cocks with P" and also "Get in Bed". Haha, it makes me feel naughty to say those things out loud. But, they are both really good shows.

Anyway... one of them were talking about "vision boards" or "dream boards" and all about putting what you want out to the universe to help it come to realization. You know, you think positively on the things you want out of life and your own positive energy gives strength to the things that will propel you closer to your dreams. Law of attraction, I guess. Apparently, there is a whole book (The Secret) that I need to read.

So- I'm going to do a board. I dont know if you are supposed to share your hearts desire with the world via social media... but here I go. The following items will be represented in word and image on my board (in no particular order of importance):

I am happy in my marriage
I can play the guitar
I have finished school
I am healthy and happy with my body
My house is orderly and pretty
I am a good mom
I have a good relationship with my sisters
I am a good friend

With exception to my body, I am not unhappy with my life. I am a moderately good wife,mom, friend, sister... but I just feel like I'd like to be better. Finishing school has been on my "to do" list for as long as I can remember and I just want to learn the guitar for fun.

So- here it is.

Hey Universe..! Bring it on!!

Recap? Noo... Twitcap

I found myself missing Twitter over the weekend. So, I saved it all up in my head and half twitted myself to death this afternoon.

The Land of Jen Presents-
All Class/ Gary Bear Wedding Weekend in Re-cap

Friday:
3:45 Off I go, cant wait to get home, gonna be an epic weekend! Woot!

4:30 OK, really- off I go, gas etc... Finally hitting the road

530- Oh goody, road construction AND motor home caravans, my lucky day

730-ish, Moses lake. Nice "queen beyotch" license plate holder on your 3 wheeler lady.

9:57 Holy crap, how about a litle warning when the speed limit changes from 45 to 75 and the road changes to only 12 FEET WIDE!

9:57 Hello Gaurdrail! That was a close call! But, I see the lights of town... 10:00. Hmmm- Can I remember which house is Sarahs? Well, yes!

11:00 going to Eddie Joes for the class of 94 meet up

11:05 Ok, Im gonna need at least 1 tall glass of social lubrication to not feel like a grown up band geek.

11:30 Just acosted with a violent hug by a "long lost friend" who I will not name via twitter but who was not really my friend or long lost.

11:50 Ho hum, this is dumb. Enough social awkwardness for one night, heading home.

12:15 trying to make friends with Tank, my pitbull-mastif mix DOG NEPHEW, so that he wont kill me when I come home tomorrow night.

SATURDAY
2:30 AM- my night now tendencies clearly come from my father

915 AM. I have a phone call? I dont even live here anymore! My parents number has been the same for 35 years- makes it easy to find me. ;)

1PM- lil sis straightened my hair. Off to Bonners.

330ish- made it to moms room. Cleeeear at the end of the hall. Hot as hell in here!

330ish- Holy crap! I had a dream that took place in this room! THIS room! THIS patio! THIS view. How wierd is that?

530ish- Standing room only. Proud Gary Bear standing up front. love the last minute facebook jokes. Now it begins

530ish- Aw, so beautiful. Love the "aye" from her dad. And apparently, Adams rib was the beginning of Friday night prime rib specials all over the world.

630ish- hanging out with the fam. thinking about buying the cheap cigs and throwing some cash into the slot machine

7:15- I lost

730= got me some Zips and a huckleberry shake. Headed home. :) Again. :)

10PM- Pull into the Gondolier, used to go there with a friend all the time. Gondolier burgers were bomb.

10:30- You know whats AWESOME? Hanging with old friends. So many years gone by but still so comfortable. So happy right now.

11ish- Heading to Dirty Ernies

1130 Oh man. Gotta love the valley "hey beautiful, where you from?". Um, here.
12:00- Dancing, laughing, singing... Hey look its......! :)

SUNDAY
1230 AM- still dancing, laughing, singing. Making "friends" in the bathroom line.

12:32 HAHAHAHA- the walls are covered with naked men. Havent seen that many dongs since.....__________ well, never. LOL.

1:30- whats up with last call anyways?

2:00 chatting it up with Alex. They took our table!A shared trip to the porta potty- Gott a love a guy who will go with you to pee

230 AM- at the park. My cousin walks by "what are you doing?" (catching up). Her friend: "Dont wanna 'catch up' in the bushes like everyone else?

230- LOL. There will be no "catching up" with Alex.

240- Are you thinking what Im thinking? Probably! Runs off to the swing and slides at the playground, giggling like a maniac.

300 AM- Spotlighted by the local authorities- been a while since thats happened, haha.
330- hanging out in my car, catching up. HAHAHA- just joking. We were warming up before heading home. Bye Alex, love you!

4AM- pulling into the drive. Tanky!? Tanky!? Its your auntie Jennnn! Ive got a cookie for you!

4:05AM Oh thank GOD- he remembered me. All arms and fingers are still intact. Gigantic dog hopping around the living room.

415- sleepy. Maybe I'll take my contac...

7:15- Holy Shi*t- my eyes are glued shut! Drops, advil, pepsi... good to go back to bed.

930AM- Sweet Jesus what is that bright light?! Oh- the sun? Riiiiiight.

1145AM- up and moving , gotta get going. :( Man, I hate leaving this place. I really, really hate it. Why cant Seattle be in Spokane?

12:30 off I go

630 PM- Ah, my babies and my hubby. I hate leaving "back home" but man, I love being "home, home".

And this concludes the Land of Jen twitcap. Your regular programming will now resume.

:)

Fee Fi Fo Fum, Thank God I Have A Day Off Because I Needed One.

I'm feeling much more "with it" than earlier this week. How about a Wallowa Lake recap? Complete with photos?! Alright then! Here we go!

You know I am a huge procrastinator, so we were up til midnight thirty on Wednesday getting ready to leave! Thursday night dinner was the responsibility of the West Side Wilkersons, so I was trying to pre-cook as much as possible. Starting with GLORIFIED BEANS. Called my momma for the recipe, found that there was no such thing. I guess back in the day there was no Food Network to Google for recipes and people cooked from scratch. What the heck!!?

Shaun wanted to get up at 4:30AM on Thursday, but (oops- darn luck!) we slept in and didnt get on the road til 7. He decided that getting to the freeway via Orting was quickest (!?), stopped for coffee and breakfast and hit the road. I take issue with his driving on occasion and decided to point out (by insanely slapping the dash repeatedly and stomping my foot into the fake brake on the passenger side) that he was about to rear end the car in front of us. He slammed on the brakes, sending the coffee all over the dash and the only jacket I packed. Turns out, the view from the drivers seat is different and he did not feel as close to the car in front of us as I did! Hey, perspective and all that. Whatever. Lets just say the first half of the trip was very quiet....

The drive was quite a bit longer than we thought, so we got there just in time to unload and go fishing before dark. Dinner was a success, with only one minor explosion (gas stove!) and the beans were pretty good if I do say so myself.

The guys started Friday off with a little more fishing and were quite the sucess! After a little nap, Shaun, the kids and I went into Joseph for part of the afternoon. Its a cute little town, still waking up from winter. There is a bronze factory there so sculptures on each corner. Lots of little shops, including our favorite: "Mad Mary's All Things Fat and Fabulous" where we went to a REAL soda shop and had chocolate and brown cows. I wanted a purple cow in the worst way, but they were out of grape soda!

Jake and I went to the beach to skip rocks, wade in the freeeeezing water, make friends with some wierd local, watch an eagle family, track a momma and baby geese, climb in a cool silvered tree grove and a discover a petrified deer (read CHICKEN) bone. Everyone else went hiking, bike riding and , of course, fishing. Apparently there is some wierd species of kokanee there, so fishing was a key part of the trip for Shaun, Val and Chris. They were good sports though and took the kiddos out in the boats and to the dock.

The town of Wallowa Lake is still closed til Memorial Day- so, no go carts, bumper boats, mini golf, arcade... no cell service, no internet... no tv... I was so worried that the kids would be bored!

But, you know what?! The entire rest of the trip was spent on various relaxing activities: hikes, walks, bike riding, trying to get the deer to eat out of their hands, playing in the creek, baseball at the park, beach combing, tree climbing, reading, board games, visiting, sitting in the sunshine, napping and laughing... Everyone was way too worn out to be bored!

It was good to see everyone, we really dont get together as often as we should. The kids had a great time with their cousins, I enjoyed catching up with my sister in laws and getting to know everyone just a bit more.

The drive back was along the Columbia and through Portland. We saw a lot of things we'd like to come back and stop at next time we drive that way. Summers just getting started, I'm sure I can squeeze in a road trip somewhere!!

Take care! Love ya!

So, my photos wouldnt upload- sorry guys. Check facebook, I'll make that album public so everyone can see the photos: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2060561&id=1097259583&saved#!/album.php?aid=2060561&id=1097259583

I Have A Follower!

Woo! I have a follower! One of my favorite people ever, Terri Dewey! (waves excitedly to Terri!)

:)

I totally meant to blog about the almost annual family gathering with Shauns family this last weekend. But, I dont think I have the engergy at the moment. Promise to post a few pics and stories later this week.

So anyways...
Lets play fill in the blank: Life is_________ in the land of Jen.
Good? Mostly.
Busy? Always.
Manageable? Barely.

Is it just me is summer bounding full steam ahead before we can even get out of spring? I feel like things are spinning, spinning, spinning around me and I'm just tripping and stumbling around in circles trying to catch up.

Work is so super busy (but thats a good thing, right?)...School is almost out and half the summer is already "penciled in"... my car needs work... my bedroom (ok, who are we foolin'- the whole damn house) is a mess... I want a pool, but the yard needs to be done first ... I've got a big event at the end of summer that I have to get planning, but I cant seem to get started... all my walls need painting, but I cant pick a color..I need to learn to mind my own business, but I'm having a hard time squelching my Super Jen to the Rescue tendencies with certain people in my life...I'm pretty sure I have deep vein thrombosis and need antidepressants, but cant seem to make myself go to the doctor...and, I need a nap.

There are a million other things on my mind that I could whine about and I could go on and on, but I'm just way too unmotiviated.

OK, so my blog is a little whiney tonight. See- I told you I need a nap!!?

With that, I'm heading to bed. Heres to hoping for some good solid sleep and a productive tomorrow.