Off my Game

I should start off by saying that I'm not looking for guests at my pity party, everyone is allowed to feel down from time to time. no one reads this little jewel anyway, haha. So, I'm basically just journaling.

So, I'm in a bit of a slump. I'm not exactly sure what my issue is, just that I have one. Maybe I'm hitting mid-life crisis early? Hope not, because that means I wont even make it to 80.

In any case, Im sitting at home today, alone... feeling like I have too many things to do, too many bills to pay, not enough energy to go anywhere and not enough money to make dent. I feel like I have don't absolutely nothing with my life and I have wasted my time.

I have mismanaged my future, and made mistake after mistake in my past. I am unsatisfactory in every way. A crappy wife, a lazy mom... I'm not a good daughter and I don't support my sisters and friends in the ways I should.

So, while I am venting and feeling sorry for myself:

I wish I had a relationship with my sisters like my friends do. One of them goes to the beach with her sister and their kids each summer. They drink wine, eat good food and let their kids play while they visit and relax. I've never known that kind of relationship, but I long for it.

I also long for a  best friend. I have good friends, but I don't have a best friend. When I was a kid, I thought I had best friends... but in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I was just another friend to most of them, not THE friend. I've always wanted someone in my life who knew my heart. Someone who could know all of my secrets, laugh and cry with me, sing loudly in the car with me or just have random thoughtful conversations with no judgment. Or, tell me if I've done something really stupid, but wont hold it against me. I've never had that as an adult. I almost did, but then that bitch screwed me. 

I want to be hot. Yep, hot - not like, oh, I'm so sweaty but as in "Damn, girl, you look good". I am so worried about the potential surgery but I cannot WAIT for someone to say I look good again.

I want to be smart. What in the hell happened to me? I've been watching game shows with Kayla and I am surprised when I know all of the answers. I used to be so smart, so engaged. I remember having long discussions, fun debates, actual opinions on more going on in the world than only what is on TMZ. I really need to go back to school before I lose all of my mind.

I want a pretty house. I really want to paint, but I cannot seem to find the energy OR pick a freaking color. It sucks to be so indecisive. I wish someone would just come in, organize all my stuff, clean my carpets and paint my dang walls. Genie, grant me this wish!

I want my yard to be pretty. I freaking hate cinderblocks. And I also cannot grow an damn thing, so all of our green things are now brown. I want a place to sit outside where I can sip lemonaide and pretend to be on a big porch watching the world pass by. I yard where my dogs are free to run circles around the edges but where I can also walk without flipping my ankle on a grass/weed/dirt clod or poop.

I want to be active. I really wish I had the kind of heart that loved action and adventure. But, I don't. Im not asking to be a mountaineer or marathon runner. I just want to be good enough so that if I wanted to walk around a new place in the world, I could do so without feeling winded.   I want to go on walks around parks or the neighborhood, go on trails to see pretty waterfalls, walk around the lake while we are camping... ride bikes with my kiddos. Play fetch at the dog park with my boy Alvin.

I want good hair and a sense of style. I have neither and I also have no aptitude for learning. I need someone to say "here, wear this" and someone to say "tada! Your hair is gorgeous!".

Ok, well, now this is really starting to be a big list. But thinking about how cool life could be is actually starting to help me get out of my little slump.

That's what a little writing it all out will do for me, huh. Guess I forgot about that part of journaling.
Alright, Im out. Have a good night, world.

Getting on track!

Look at me, with another entry in less than 6 months! I assume its just me reading this, so I'm feeling a little diary-ish.

In any case, I'm making progress with the hoops I need to jump in order to reach weight loss surgery. I went to the psych eval, which was fun. Some of the questions were "are you currently posessed?" and "do you think the walls are watching you right now?" ... um, no. I'm not sure how that all ties into losing weight, but it was entertaining anyway. It reminded me of those old fun myspace quizzes or the ones from YM magazine back in the day.

Anyway, did the upper GI, blood draw, EKG, chest xray and stomach ultrasound. Went to my first nutritional counselling session today and tomorrow is the scope. Moving right along!

We joined a gym a while back and finally started going . Someone (ahem, Shaun....) decided we need a trainer. I've gone a couple of times and even though I hate the thought of paying for it, I am already thinking the outcome is worth the effort. My trainers is already pushing me to do things I would NEVER even think I could do. I'm pretty sure his main goal is to take me to the brink of collapse and then say "see, its easy!". Ha, funny guy. (where is that sarcastic font when you need it?)

A change is coming...

So, a year ago I posted something about going to a weight loss seminar and how I thought maybe that would be a good idea. I went to the first appointment and then decided it wasnt such a great idea.

Now, a year later, I am back to thinking its the right choice.

I went to a seminar with my friend Niki, made my first consulation appointment that night. Turns out, there are a LOT of hoops to jump through, but I'm ready. This doctor is a million miles closer than the other one and that alone makes all of the difference in the world.

The hoops:

Consultation
1 meeting with a psychologist
2 physical therapy sessions to make a workout plan etc
1 nutritionl consulation followed by 3 months of nutritional counseling.
an EKG, lab work, an upper GI and a scope

I've already done the consultation, the psych eval and made all of the other appointments except for the physical therapy.
If all goes well, I'm looking at mid June/ early July for a surgery date!

GO ME!

DAY ONE! Just Plain Steaming.

"A photo of yourself and a description of your day"

Well.... I pretty much look like I've been moving furniture all day, so no pictures! The man and the kids left this morning on a quick road trip, I decided to stay home, felt inspired to do some major STEAM CLEANING!

So, I rolled out of bed at promptly... oh, ok, not promptly, 9:00 and got ready to STEAM CLEAN! And by STEAM CLEAN, I mean go meet my friend for some garage saleing and Starbucks!

After a nice visit, I decided that I better get on the ball. I moved the dining room table and chairs out and fired up the STEAM cleaner, melted,  took a break, had a margarita, facebooked, STEAM cleaned, melted, took a break, had a daquiri, STEAM cleaned, melted... sensing a pattern?!

What? Dont judge, its hot! And they sell them all packed up like slushies now! and you know I love slushies!

So, in my maybe a tiny bit tipsy wisdom, I decided to STEAM  and rearrange all the  furniture...
Now I have a holy mess on my hands and guess what..... I've run out of ..... frozen cocktails! ...................................................................
You thought I was going to say STEAM, didnt you?!

Have a good night everyone!

30 DAY LIST!

Well hellllooooo blog! Long time, eh? Life is still good, of course. I havent completed the surgery yet- but am re-regstering for the seminar and stuff at a place closer to home. Finally working for the adventure travel dept of my company. Pretty stoked for the opportunities it can present later. Kids are good, hubby is good. Its all good. HAHAHA, what did you expect?
Anyway... been feeling like I need to get on the ball! So, I decided to copy someone else and go with a theme. I promise to start today and to try really hard to keep it up for the next month! Heres the LIST:

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – Something you collect, even though you know it’s never going to be worth anything.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – Even though you complain about it, you still do it.
Day 31 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

I suck at pictures... so Im just going to blog blog bloggity blog about the topic instead. Stay tuned!

It Might Just Be Great!

About a year ago I attended a seminar for weightloss surgery. I entered a contest to have a surgery and all follow up done for free. I didn't win, and our insurance company didn't cover the cost. I did get some good information though, and gave the procedure a lot of thought.

I ended up on a mailing list and got an email about checking coverage again, so I thought "Well, probably not through mine- but maybe through my hubby's?" So, I sent it in.

Today, I got an email from the doctor- our insurance offers coverage now!!

I canNOT express to you how excited I was! I got the email and could barely contain the squeal building in my throat at even the THOUGHT of the future! As soon as I walked out the door, I called the doctors office and set up a consultation for next Friday!

NEXT FRIDAY YOU GUYS! I have to go to the consultation, followed by three months of preparation. And I can't wait to learn more!! Making that call today was the first step on my journey.

Life is good?! Well,yes, it is- but its gonna be GREAT!!!

Land of Jen Playlist

I love to load my ipod with a bajillion songs, hit random and then be shocked and excited when my "favorite song" comes on. You'd think I wouldnt be suprised, since, well... I put it there to begin with. But that got me thinking.... can I really pick just one?

Right now its that dang Selena Gomez (Selena Gomez... really?! Really) song "I love you like a love song". I know its cheesy  (and even worse tbecause shes probably singing about Justin Beiber) but I canNOT stop singing it in my head... or turning it up embarrassingly loud when it comes on the radio and singing like a fool. In fact.... excuse me while I download this little guilty pleasure.

OK, so with that out of my system, I can move on. 
To make it on this list, the song must not only be awesome in general but must also meet the following Land of Jen criteria:

I must either squeal or swoon EVERYTIME I hear it.
I cant imagine life without ever hearing it again.
I would willingly belt it out at a karaoke bar- SOBER.

Without further ado, in no certain order, I present my TOP TEN ALL TIME FAVORITE SONGS!!

1. Everything I Do- Bryan Adams
2. Centerfield- John Fogerty
3. I Want You To Want Me- Cheap Trick
4. The Chair- George Straight
5. Brown Eyed Girl- Van Morrison
6. Next To You- Buck Cherry
7. Pyromania- Def Leppard
8. You Shook Me- AC/DC
9. Constantly- Cross Canadian Ragweed
10. Wonderful Tonight- Eric Clapton
11. Rockin Me- Steve Miller Band
12. I Told You So- Randy Travis and Carrie Underwood version

Ok, OK, I know I said TEN- but hey, its my blog and I'll overshare if I want to! (ha!)

So, what songs do it for you? Which songs take you back, bring you up, make your day?