Where the heck is the toilet!?

Well, I actually did it. I DID IT.

Finished all of the pre-reqs, finished the 2 week liquid diet.. It was more like a 2 or 3 ay liquid, followed by a cheat and then back at it.. but still.

The days before surgery went so quickly, that I didn't have much time to worry or dwell on any single thought. I did feel like the world was spiraling out of control. I went crazy cleaning, trying to get everything organized for when my mom and sister got here. I don't know why, I guess it was just nerves.

Thursday morning came, my check in was 5 am with surgery at 7. The 2 hours between went so quickly, I hardly had time to breath! My mom and sister had just into the room when it was time to go.  A quick goodbye and away I was wheeled.

At that point, you would think I was be the most nervous about this huge procedure I would be having, all the things that could happen... but all I could think about was peeing. Yes, peeing. I went before they wheeled me to pre-op, I went at pre-op and then when they came to take me to the Doctor, I made them stop and let me pee again!!

They wake me up from surgery, the first thing I asked? You know it. They made me use a bedpan, it was the worst. I kept asking  'Please, I can see the  bathroom right there, can you please let me walk over there?" No one would let me, they insisted that I must wait until I got into my private room. So I said, "well lets go then!"

They wheel me out of recovery to my real room, saw my family on the way. The were so excited to see me, saying hello so sweetly, tender little touches on my arm..." I said, can't talk, got to pee" When I finally got to my room, I was never so happy to see a toilet.

Why was I so concerned?  I guess I pee when I'm nervous, I'm like a puppy or something.

Anyway, surgery was fine - about as painful as I expected it would be. I have 6 little incisions spread out across my tummy. One at the top of my stomach, one right above my belly button, one to each side of that and then one below each of those...They are itchy, but not too sore. The soreness is coming from the inside, whenever I stand up. At that point I feel like I've done sit ups for days and maybe pulled a muscle. Once I get moving, I feel ok.

As far as eating goes, in the hospital they gave me only water in little one ounce cups , a popsicle and one "run" (10 little one ounce cups on a tray) of diluted apple juice. Got home, my mom has kept the runs coming and has also brought a few little cups of jello too. They keep making sure I go for walks and take all of my medicines on time. Things are going better than I thought they would. Here is where I am so far:

I started the liquid diet at 267
I went in for surgery at 257
Today, 4 days after surgery at 250

Progress, people! Progress!

Countdown started today... failure also started today.

So, today I was supposed to start cutting caffeine, take vitamins daily and start stepping down from regular food to 3 protein shakes and an all liquid diet for the 2 whole weeks before surgery ....

Started the morning off ok - had just a single shot of coffee with non fat milk and sf syrup. Didn't take the vitamins because I haven't bought them yet, but tomorrow night on my way home I will pick them up.
Managed the morning, but I think I waited too long for the shake because I did the shake and my can of soup really close together and then found that I was STARVING. I had some almonds, but that didn't really help.
Started my drive home, ready to fall asleep and with my stomach growling like crazy... I stopped at McDonalds... I didn't make the WORST choice, but I didn't make the best choice either.
Decided to skip dinner... until it was on the table... and ended up eating tater tots w/ dip....
Should have made a better choice because about an hour ago I was super hungry again. PB  toast and 2 pudding cups.

Good God. No wonder I'm where I am.

Tomorrow is a new day. Yes. Tomorrow.
Or, now.

4 - Favorite photo of my best friend

Well, outside of my husband, I don't have one.

Not a best friend in the normal sense anyway, no single BFF who  I share all of life secrets with... who laughs with and at me, cries right along beside me... no one single person with inside jokes.
I have been getting really close with my little sister, but there are still some things I just don't share. I have some really great friends, who I have seen me at my worst, some have seen me at my best. I have laughed hysterically... but not cry very often.
The truth is though, that even if I had ONE best friend, I still probably wouldn't tell them everything. Turns out, I'm kind of guarded.
Go figure.

Day 3 - Perfect First Date

I've had so few first dates in my life, that I really can't think of what my perfect one would be. I have no bank from which to withdraw, haha.

My very first date was with a boy named DJ - he had his mom ask my dad if he could ask him if he could ask ME if I would go on a date with him. Yep, that took FOREVER to type. I was only 14 and I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16...he knew that, so he was very polite in going about things the "right way".  I thought the boy had a crush on me but I didn't know he "liked me, liked me"... He called me, asked if I would go to the movies. On the big night, he came to my house and picked me up, all proper like. He took me by his house to say hi to his mom and then to the show. I don't remember the movie, but I do remember his mom saying how well we complemented each other. How I was like the light and he was like the dark. I'm not sure about that... but, I'm sure she meant nothing but sweetness. He was a perfect gentlemen, with no expectations or pressure. We never went out again, but it was a great first date. I wonder if he even remembers that.

How about my last first date... 18 years ago, I was working in a McDonalds, a boy I knew from HS came through my drive thru and we made plans to meet up later. He had Shaun in the truck with him and brought him along later that night. There was a deck of cards, an inappropriate card game and a lot of beer involved... but the rest of our lives began that night. That was technically our "first date"... but our first date OUTSIDE of the house was a walk on the river trail and dinner at Mandarin Pine. How would I have known that that night would set the stage for my life? He held the door (sweet), helped me order (sweet), made conversation (sweet).... even offered to let me try his food (sweet)......  - asked if I liked hot things. Of course, I said! (so sweet)....... He gave me a pepper, I had never had one... and said "chew it a lot!"... he just kept looking at me with this smirk, waiting to see my reaction... (here is the moment my life path started to lay out in front of me).                                   

Man, I chewed as fast as I could, took some sips of water and said "Wow, that's really good".... while my steam was shooting out of my ears and tears were rolling down my face... and smiled like it was the best food on the planet. He just laughed, shook his head, gave me his water (mine was gone) and we went on with the night. We have spent nearly every day of the last 18 years together.
So, I guess his technique worked.

If I could have a first date again, it would be just simple. Dinner and a walk with a loving, sweet man would be just perfect.

Things are changing

Life is going so weird right now.
On one hand, I'm super excited to share that I just got approved for weight loss surgery and my life is about to change in a HUGE, HUGE way.
On the other hand, we are going through some big money changes and that part of our life is going to change in a HUGE, HUGE way.
On yet ANOTHER hand, Shaun just got a new job and his world is changing HUGE too.
I am excited, nervous, scared...
I'm a million different feelings about the surgery, and even though I know its awesome, I feel like I'm going to be left in the dust. He is on a trajectory, a shooting star at work... getting healthy... and I am still just here. Just hanging out.

Things are changing - its all going to be good - right? Why? Well, because Life is Good in the Land of Jen.
Most of the time, anyway.

Day 2 - Something you ate

Well, turns out I was rather ambitious in my previous blog attempts but have NO follow through.

So,  a year later, I am now ready for "Day two"

I am home alone today. So, for breakfast I had Doritos. And for lunch had ice cream and Doritos, with PB and J dip.

Yep, you read that right. I made up a meal. Ever since I one of my oldest friends, Katy, put Doritos on her PB and J in junior high, it has been a favorite treat. I didn't really feel like making a sandwich today, so I just mixed up the two in a bowl and dipped my chips in it. GENIUS.

Off my Game

I should start off by saying that I'm not looking for guests at my pity party, everyone is allowed to feel down from time to time. no one reads this little jewel anyway, haha. So, I'm basically just journaling.

So, I'm in a bit of a slump. I'm not exactly sure what my issue is, just that I have one. Maybe I'm hitting mid-life crisis early? Hope not, because that means I wont even make it to 80.

In any case, Im sitting at home today, alone... feeling like I have too many things to do, too many bills to pay, not enough energy to go anywhere and not enough money to make dent. I feel like I have don't absolutely nothing with my life and I have wasted my time.

I have mismanaged my future, and made mistake after mistake in my past. I am unsatisfactory in every way. A crappy wife, a lazy mom... I'm not a good daughter and I don't support my sisters and friends in the ways I should.

So, while I am venting and feeling sorry for myself:

I wish I had a relationship with my sisters like my friends do. One of them goes to the beach with her sister and their kids each summer. They drink wine, eat good food and let their kids play while they visit and relax. I've never known that kind of relationship, but I long for it.

I also long for a  best friend. I have good friends, but I don't have a best friend. When I was a kid, I thought I had best friends... but in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I was just another friend to most of them, not THE friend. I've always wanted someone in my life who knew my heart. Someone who could know all of my secrets, laugh and cry with me, sing loudly in the car with me or just have random thoughtful conversations with no judgment. Or, tell me if I've done something really stupid, but wont hold it against me. I've never had that as an adult. I almost did, but then that bitch screwed me. 

I want to be hot. Yep, hot - not like, oh, I'm so sweaty but as in "Damn, girl, you look good". I am so worried about the potential surgery but I cannot WAIT for someone to say I look good again.

I want to be smart. What in the hell happened to me? I've been watching game shows with Kayla and I am surprised when I know all of the answers. I used to be so smart, so engaged. I remember having long discussions, fun debates, actual opinions on more going on in the world than only what is on TMZ. I really need to go back to school before I lose all of my mind.

I want a pretty house. I really want to paint, but I cannot seem to find the energy OR pick a freaking color. It sucks to be so indecisive. I wish someone would just come in, organize all my stuff, clean my carpets and paint my dang walls. Genie, grant me this wish!

I want my yard to be pretty. I freaking hate cinderblocks. And I also cannot grow an damn thing, so all of our green things are now brown. I want a place to sit outside where I can sip lemonaide and pretend to be on a big porch watching the world pass by. I yard where my dogs are free to run circles around the edges but where I can also walk without flipping my ankle on a grass/weed/dirt clod or poop.

I want to be active. I really wish I had the kind of heart that loved action and adventure. But, I don't. Im not asking to be a mountaineer or marathon runner. I just want to be good enough so that if I wanted to walk around a new place in the world, I could do so without feeling winded.   I want to go on walks around parks or the neighborhood, go on trails to see pretty waterfalls, walk around the lake while we are camping... ride bikes with my kiddos. Play fetch at the dog park with my boy Alvin.

I want good hair and a sense of style. I have neither and I also have no aptitude for learning. I need someone to say "here, wear this" and someone to say "tada! Your hair is gorgeous!".

Ok, well, now this is really starting to be a big list. But thinking about how cool life could be is actually starting to help me get out of my little slump.

That's what a little writing it all out will do for me, huh. Guess I forgot about that part of journaling.
Alright, Im out. Have a good night, world.